You know that your mum isn’t coping so well at home. She probably needs some help – this could be having regular visits from a carer, or moving to a care home. But talking to an elderly parent about accepting care isn’t easy.
When you’re caring for elderly parents, grandparents, or other loved ones, you may have to navigate difficult conversations about care.
Whether you’ve noticed a gradual decline in their health, they’ve recently had a fall or injury, or they’re calling on you throughout the day and night, professional care might help your loved ones stay safe, independent and healthy for as long as possible.
It’s important to start the conversation early. Involve your parents in decisions about their care wherever possible, and remember to consider their feelings – agreeing to accept care can feel like a big step.
In this guide, we’ll explain how to talk to your parents about care homes, home care or retirement living, how to manage your own feelings, and how to find the right care for your parents.
If you need care for your parents urgently, Find Your Room is here to help.
We can help you get the right care set up as quickly as possible. Simply use our care search website or app, enter your location, and choose whether you want home care, a care home, or a supported living scheme. Filter by availability to find providers who can start supporting your loved ones straight away.
When should you think about care for your parents?
Your parents might seem fit and healthy today. But, at some point, they may not be. If possible, have the conversation about care early – while your parents are still relatively young and in good health.
Encourage your parents to make wills, set up a lasting power of attorney, and talk about their preferences before it becomes an emergency.
Ask questions about their wishes. Do they want to stay in their own home for as long as possible, or would they prefer to move to a care home? Do they want to stay in the current area, or do they want to move nearer friends or family?
Sometimes, though, you don’t get this time to plan ahead. You might be concerned about your parents’ health and safety right now.
Signs it’s time to think about care for your parents:
- You notice that they’re increasingly forgetful or confused.
- They call you regularly for help with small tasks.
- They seem unsteady on their feet or trip over often.
- They have unexplained bruises.
- They’ve had one or more recent falls.
- They’re experiencing unexplained weight loss.
- You notice they aren’t eating or drinking as much.
- They aren’t washing or changing their clothes regularly.
- They avoid going out or spending time with friends and family.
- They seem angrier or more emotional than previously.
- You notice changes in the condition of their home – for example, they aren’t cleaning, tidying, or keeping on top of small repairs.
If you’ve noticed some of these signs, your parents might be struggling to cope in their current home without any additional support.
Five tips for talking to an elderly parent about accepting care
Starting the conversation about care can be difficult.
You might already know that your mum is resistant to the idea – or perhaps you have no idea how she’ll feel. You might be prepared for crying, anger, or a flat-out refusal to listen.
Unfortunately, all of those are possibilities. Accepting that you need help is hard. Your loved one might not want to believe that they need support. But you still need to have the conversation.
It’s a strange milestone to hit. No one ever explains how to talk to parents about care homes, home care, or retirement living.
So, here are our five tips for talking to your parents about care:
- 1. Start the conversation early
- 2. Choose the right moment
- 3. Focus on the positives
- 4. Remember your loved one’s feelings
- 5. Involve them in decisions about their own care
Let’s look at each of those tips in more detail.
1. Start the conversation about care early
Where possible, it’s always better to have the conversation before there’s an emergency. You can make plans for the future, understand what’s important to your parents, and take time to find the perfect care solution without needing to rush.
Avoid: Having the conversation in a panic when your mum is in hospital after a fall.
Consider: Having the conversation calmly when your parents are in good health, or as soon as you notice any of the concerning signs mentioned earlier.
Suggested script: “Mum, I know it might feel early and you’re still young and in good health. But one of my friends recently had to find a home carer for her dad, and it was really stressful for everyone. It got me thinking that I don’t know what you’d want if you ever need support. We’ve never talked about care, and I think it would be good to know what your wishes are for the future.”
2. Choose the right moment to talk about care
Start the conversation about care when everyone is calm, and make sure that your parents don’t feel ambushed. Pick a time when you’re not rushed, and when everyone concerned can be there. If you have siblings, get them involved if possible.
Avoid: Starting the conversation when the whole family is sitting round the dinner table on Christmas Day, and everyone’s had a few drinks.
Consider: Setting aside a morning or afternoon for a relaxed visit to get the conversation going. Make sure that none of you have other plans and you’re not constantly checking your watches or phones.
Suggested script: “Dad, Brother and I would like to come round and have a good long catch-up on Friday morning, if you’re available. We want to spend some time with you so we’re not just rushing in and out, and we really want to get your thoughts on some plans for the future.”
3. Focus on the positives
Finding care can help your parents feel safer, and help them increase their independence. If they’re currently worried about their health, professional care workers can support them to make changes and stay as healthy as possible.
If they choose to move to a care home or sheltered housing scheme, they’ll be able to improve their social life, too.
From your point of view, caring for elderly parents is hard, and it can put a real strain on your relationship. Whether you’re choosing a care home for a parent or looking for home care, choosing professional care can help you become closer as family, rather than as carer and client. Your parents might find that it helps them to maintain their dignity, especially if you’ve been supporting them with personal care.
Avoid: Sounding accusatory or framing the conversation as something that’s being forced on your parents because of their disabilities or increased frailty.
Consider: Emphasising the ways that care can help them maintain the lifestyle they enjoy, or even improve their lives. Encourage them to lead the conversation, by asking open-ended questions about how they’re finding certain aspects of their lives.
Suggested script: “Dad, I know it’s been tricky since you’ve had to give up driving. Is there anything that would make your day-to-day life a bit easier?”
4. Remember their feelings
Making the decision to accept care is difficult. Your parents might not want to admit that they’re not as healthy or capable as they used to be.
They might have very strong opinions on certain aspects of care – perhaps they want to stay in their current home for as long as possible, rather than move to a care home.
Listen to their feelings, and make sure you take their concerns into account. What are they most worried about, and is there a way you can help them?
Avoid: Dismissing your parents’ feelings, or insisting that they should just be glad that they can access support.
Consider: Spending time letting them talk about their feelings, reminiscing about their current home, and sharing their concerns. Give them time to work through their own emotions before trying to fix everything.
Suggested script: “I know it’s a big decision, Mum. How are you feeling? Is there anything I can do to help?”
5. Involve them in all of the decisions about their care
This is a decision that affects your parents most of all, so they should have as much input as possible.
Give your parents access to as much information as possible about different types of care.
Make sure they know that they can take things slowly, if possible. They don’t have to commit to anything permanent just yet. They could visit a care home just to look around, or have a few visits from home care workers to decide what they think.
Avoid: Making decisions entirely on your parents’ behalf, or presenting pre-made decisions, even if they have a diagnosis of dementia or seem resistant to considering the idea of care.
Consider: Encouraging your parents to visit potential care homes, or speak to carers and see how they feel before making a decision. Make sure they know that there are lots of options out there for care and support, and that they can make their own choices.
Suggested script: “Mum, this is about your life, so I want you to be in charge of the decisions. We can take it slowly, and we’ll try to find a solution that makes you happy.”
Managing your feelings about finding care for your parents
Your parents might be worried about losing their autonomy by choosing care. But you’re probably going through some difficult emotions too.
You might feel guilty for needing extra help to care for your parents. You might be worried about them, especially if you’ve noticed a decline in their health recently. You might be upset at the thought of selling your childhood home. You might feel impatient that your parents won’t accept that they need help.
All of these feelings are totally valid – and you’re not a bad person for experiencing them.
As you find care for your parents and life settles down, you might find that these feelings slowly disappear. However, you might also need some support yourself.
Talk to your friends, partner, siblings, or other family members about your experiences, or look for a carers’ support group to find other people who’ve been through the same thing.
If you’re struggling with anxiety or low mood, talk to your GP. They may be able to prescribe some medication or refer you for talking therapy.
How do you find care for your parents?
Finding the right care for your parents can be tricky. You need to find an appropriate care service that can manage their needs, and that also has availability.
You may be able to get recommendations from local friends or family, or advice from your parents’ social worker or hospital discharge team, depending on their circumstances.
Find Your Room is here to help, too.
Our care search lets you look for care homes, home care services, and supported living schemes in your area. Simply search by location, availability, and care needs to find the perfect care solution for your mum, dad, grandparent, or other loved one.
Once you’ve found the right care service for your parents, give them a call. Explain your situation, and start the process of getting support for your loved ones.
